I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
