I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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