I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
