I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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