i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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