yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
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