there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i used baking grease as lip gloss
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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