Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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