youre lurking in front of me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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