i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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