My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
