I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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