does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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