How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
