im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize