I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
