peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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