I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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