I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm at about main and main street
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
