I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
