i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
