Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize