Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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