Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
