also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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