Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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