I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
