My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
