i would punch a child for taco bell
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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