I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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