I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
