If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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