OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My life is pants optional.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
