my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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