you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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