Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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