wrigley field is MILF paradise
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
