after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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