i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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