i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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