I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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