seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
