I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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