I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
