I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
