Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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