Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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