Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
