Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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