How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
