But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am spending my child support on dildos
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize