I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As shirtless as possible
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
