he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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