my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
