Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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