If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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