just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
