I look better un-naked...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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