remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
BRING THE BAGELS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
