The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize