just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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